


The People We Could Be

by static_abyss



Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 22:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/static_abyss/pseuds/static_abyss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saxa swaggers into the one room dorm, leather jacket pulled over a white tank top. She smells like cigarette smoke and blades of grass. Her blond hair is wild around her face and her boots clink against the floor as she wheels her suitcases in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The People We Could Be

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [aionyu](http://aionyu.tumblr.com/)'s wonderful art which you can find [here](http://aionyu.tumblr.com/post/54371676217/a-mira-saxa-prompt-i-did-for-the-sparty-reverse). Much thanks to theswearingkind (seriously, tsk, you are my hero) who read this over for me and helped make it better. All remaining mistakes are my own.

Mira's new roommate doesn't walk in. She _swaggers_ into the one room dorm, leather jacket pulled over a white tank top. She smells like cigarette smoke and blades of grass. Her blond hair is wild around her face and her boots clink against the floor as she wheels her suitcases in. 

"You're Mira?" the girl asks, her grin wicked as her eyes run up Mira's legs. 

Mira raises an eyebrow and tucks her yellow sundress under her as she sits on her bed. 

"I'm Mira," she says. "You're Saxa?"

Saxa nods and drops her suitcases on the floor between the two beds. She starts pulling things out of the suitcases and dumping them on the bed across from Mira. There is a standing lamp by the wall between the two extra long twin beds that Saxa turns on even though it's still light out. Two identical dressers are shoved to the wall on the right and two desks on the left, one of each for Saxa to put her things away. 

There are scratches on the tan tiled floors that Mira hadn't noticed when she first came in. On the ceiling above Mira's bed, there's a circular black smudge that looks like a cat. It's all far better than Mira expected from a State University. The view out the window is of a large soccer field, far away enough that the noise won't bother them when they study. The room is old, but spotless. Even the little, blue, plastic trash can is tucked behind the door, out of the way.

Saxa figures out which things are hers without a word to Mira, and Mira doesn't bother her for a good hour. She goes on her laptop to check her schedule for the semester, recalculates her semester budget, and applies for a job at the campus dining halls. When Mira looks back up, Saxa is lying on her unmade bed, boots planted on the mattress, and texting. 

"So," Mira starts. "What are you majoring in?"

Saxa glances at Mira and rolls her eyes. "Are we really doing this?"

"We're living together," Mira says, unimpressed. "We have to talk."

"We don't _have_ to," Saxa says rolling off the bed. "I don't even know if I like you."

Mira raises an eyebrow at Saxa, who just smirks. 

"You know what?" Mira says turning back to her laptop. "I don't care."

Saxa laughs as though Mira's nothing but an entertaining child. It's stupid, Mira knows, to let that bother her, especially when it's obvious that Saxa takes nothing seriously. It's unsettling anyway, because Mira filled out a stupid survey that was supposed to match her with someone as close to her as possible. She looks at Saxa's wild blonde hair and bright red lipstick, her indifferent expression, and the way her green eyes just add to her raw beauty. 

Saxa isn't like Mira.

-

It doesn't take long for Mira to figure out that Saxa is someone who can hurt her. She does it with careless words and her brusque manner. It's been a month when Mira figures it out, enough time for Mira to think they're, if not friends, then definitely true roommates. Mira undresses in front of Saxa without a thought now. The awkwardness from never undressing in front of anybody, from never sharing confined space with another human being, is gone. And even though it seems like Saxa still sometimes is a stranger, for the most part, Mira is comfortable. She pulls off her shirts, throws them on her bed, and doesn't care. Saxa's always been comfortable, so much that Mira didn't know what to do when she found Saxa half dressed. Now, Mira's woken up to Saxa in her red bras so often, it doesn't even faze her.

Tonight, Saxa's in tight black jeans and half undressed after her shower, blonde hair loose and drying around her shoulders. The two of them are sitting at Mira's desk, watching season one of Torchwood. The crazy alien thing seems to do it for both of them. 

They're halfway through the episode where Ianto's girlfriend starts destroying the Torchwood headquarters when Saxa gets a text. She gets up right away and starts digging her shoes out from under the bed. 

"Do you want me to pause it?" Mira asks, pausing the show anyway as she watches Saxa pull on her boots.

"No," Saxa says. "Keep watching."

"I can wait for you," Mira says, tucking her legs under her.

She watches as Saxa runs a comb through her hair and puts on her lipstick. It's the bright red one that reminds Mira of Gala apples, the shade that makes Mira stare too long. Saxa only wears that color when she's not going to come home that night. Mira knows because she's lived with Saxa long enough to catch the patterns. She understands what happens when the red lipstick comes out.

"What time are you coming home?" she asks anyway.

Saxa shakes her hair out of her face. "Late," she says, watching Mira through the mirror.

Mira stares back. She's tense and she doesn't understand why. Saxa goes out every weekend, sometimes a couple of days during the week, with friends Mira has never met. This is normal behavior, like the two of them ignoring each other outside of the dorm is normal. 

Tonight is different, though, Mira guesses, because they were sharing something good together. Saxa's arm was warm against Mira's hand. It was also the first time Saxa didn't smell like menthol cigarettes or perfume that wasn't hers, or cologne that she didn't wear. She'd smelled like the Dove soap that was on sale that week at the campus shop. It's that comfort that gives Mira courage, makes her press for an answer when she usually knows to let it go.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"Why?" Saxa asks, making a show of fixing her makeup and adjusting her shirt. "Do you want to come?"

Mira considers it for half a second, long enough that Saxa laughs. 

"My friends aren't your kind of people," Saxa pauses, tilts her head to the side as she looks at Mira, and scoffs. "You wouldn't know what to do with my kind."

"What do you mean _your kind_?" Mira laughs. "What are you, a different species now?"

"We have fun. We know how to do shit." Saxa shakes her head. "We're not. Soft, like you."

Mira feels anger crawl up her throat at Saxa's words. "Fuck. You," she snarls.

"Oh, baby," Saxa sighs, snatching up her cell phone. "You have no idea."

Mira glares at Saxa's back until the door slams behind it. She curses under her breath even as she gets up to lock the door. She sees Saxa's keys on the bed, but, _fuck it_ , becayse Saxa isn't coming home tonight.

Mira doesn't go back to watching the show after, just sits at her desk and stares at Saxa's empty bed. She can understand being different, would rather stay home than go to a party where she would feel left out. But the way Saxa talks to her, as though it's wrong somehow, for Mira to not be like her. It makes Mira feel as though she'd done something wrong by being who she is, and she hates that, because Mira has never been the kind of person who hates who she is. 

Mira has always known who she was, has been through enough shit with her parents and family to know that there's more she's going to have to deal with in life. She knows she has to study if she wants to be anyone in life. She understands that just because she's a woman, she's going to have to _claw_ her way to the top. But she's ready for it. And so, if there's one thing Mira isn't, it's soft.

Still, when Saxa says it, when she looks at Mira with amusement and faint disgust, it makes Mira feel as though maybe she is. 

It's stupid, Mira knows, to be awake in the middle of the night just because her roommate said something. A few words from someone she's just met shouldn't make Mira reevaluate her life. But she can't deny that she's lying awake in the middle of the night because of something Saxa said.

That's how she knows Saxa can hurt her.

-

Saxa doesn't date. 

Mira knows because Saxa parades her one night stands, or "long term fucks," as she calls them, around the dorm like she's the only one who lives there. It's how Mira meets Gannicus, who knows Spartacus, who is Mira's first true friend at college. He's over at the dorm often because Mira hates math and Spartacus is good at it. That's the reason why, when she can't get the jar of pickles she's been saving open, Spartacus does it for her.

Saxa, who's been hanging half out the dorm door, sticks her head back in long enough to roll her eyes at Mira. Mira frowns, but Saxa just sneers and sticks her head back out the door.

"Shut the fuck up, you dumbasses," she yells down the hall.

Mira doesn't understand it, but Spartacus is still teaching her things, so she doesn't pay it much attention.

Later, when the three of them go out to meet Gannicus for lunch, Saxa still won't talk to Mira. It's starts to annoy her when Spartacus holds open the door to the restaurant for Mira and Saxa just scoffs at her.

"What?" Mira asks, louder than she intended in the quiet restaurant.

Spartacus pretends he didn't hear.

"Nothing," Saxa says, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning her chair back. "I was just wondering what happened to your hands, since you can't seem to hold open a fucking door."

Mira narrows her eyes at Saxa, but then Gannicus comes in and the conversation switches to other things. It doesn't stop there, though. Saxa gets more aggressive the more time Mira spends with Spartacus or his other friends. She'll roll her eyes whenever Mira's anywhere near her, or flat out leave when Mira comes into a room. It gets to the point where they don't see each other at all, except for the few times that Saxa comes in to change clothes while Mira's there. Saxa even takes to sleeping somewhere else so that Mira falls asleep and wakes up to an empty bed across from her.

It goes on for two weeks before Mira finally sees Saxa just as she's coming out of the English building. Saxa's sitting at the foot of the fraternity tree, the biggest tree on campus, clean of grafitti right now only because it's too close to winter break for anyone to have anything to advertise. Saxa's wearing boots over tight jeans and a leather jacket, a cigarette hanging from her right hand. It's not cold enough for heavy jackets, but Mira knows Saxa can't be warm in just leather. She also knows that Saxa is afraid of the cold, likes to bury under layers of sheets and comforters even when Mira only uses a single cover.

Mira shoves her messenger bag more securely on her shoulder, tucks her pen into her notebook, and starts walking towards Saxa. The tree is on an incline, right in front of the English building and to the right of the music hall. Saxa can see Mira, but she doesn't look at her, not even when Mira is right next to her.

"I found you," Mira says, only half joking.

Mira gives her a few moments, stares at the people coming out of the music hall. Saxa doesn't say a word, and Mira thinks she should just go. The problem is, she's not sure why Saxa's even angry at her, and it's not like Mira to just let it go. She deals with problems head on, and maybe, she's wondering where Saxa's been sleeping the last two weeks, whether she has a regular fuck now or it's just a different couch every night.

"What are you doing here?" Mira tries again.

Saxa takes a drag of her cigarette, puts it out on the tree bark, and flicks it away. "Just looking for someone else to fuck," she says.

Mira understands why it feels like a punch to her stomach to hear Saxa throw it out like that. Like that's all anyone ever is or will be to Saxa. Just another fuck.

"You don't like me," Mira says, smiling even as she sinks down next to Saxa. It's a relief to say it, liberating.

She follows Saxa's line of sight as she waits for an answer. There's a pretty brunette right in front of the English building, pale skin and big eyes, mascara-covered eyelashes dark against her cheek. The girl is talking to a guy, about her height, and laughing. Mira wonders which of the two Saxa is looking at, whether Saxa wonders what it'd be like to hold the brunette's hand, the way Mira does.

"I don't hate you," Saxa says finally. "I just don't like the way girls like you act."

"Oh?" Mira asks, raising an eyebrow, but not turning to look at Saxa. Mira doesn't want to scare her away now that they're talking and Saxa is being honest.

"Yeah," Saxa says, jiggling her raised leg up and down. "We deal with enough shit already. I don't need girls like you perpetuating stereotypes. It's pisses me the _fuck_ off that as a woman I'm automatically supposed to love fucking dresses, or that I'm supposed to be afraid of _bees_ , or some shit. Like, what the _fuck_ is so hard about opening a jar? Tell me."

Mira shrugs, and Saxa growls in frustration, pulls at the blades of grass around her. Mira looks at the glare on Saxa's face, the way Saxa can't seem to stop shaking her foot. 

"I bet you'd like dresses," Mira says. "You'd look good in them."

Saxa scoffs, but she's smiling even as she shakes her head. Mira sits with her, watching the people file out of the campus buildings. They watch guys and girls chatting away about stupid things. Saxa doesn't say anything for a while, but Mira can tell there's something else Saxa needs to say. Mira doesn't press her, just sits and wonders when one of the people walking by their tree will catch Saxa's attention.

"Does it make you happy?" Saxa asks. "Having guys think you're this helpless little thing? Is that shit really necessary?"

Mira shrugs. "I'm not helpless."

"But they think you are," Saxa says. "And because _you_ need help opening a fucking door and shit, they assume we all need help opening a fucking door. And I _don't_ need help."

"Just because I can't open a jar doesn't mean I can't kick your ass, or anyone else's."

This time when Saxa laughs, it's genuine, loud and amused. The corners of her green eyes crease as she grins, her face relaxed. It's a good look on her, and Mira doesn't mind that it's laughter at her expense because, at least, Saxa is smiling.

"You wouldn't be able to handle me," Saxa says, leaning back against the tree.

"Maybe not," Mira shrugs, "but that doesn't make me weak. And anything else I do doesn't give anyone permission to assume I'm helpless. It _shouldn't_ make them assume anything."

"They still do," Saxa tells her. "And you should be doing shit to change their minds, not _encouraging_ the fucking stereotypes. It just makes life harder for other women."

"I don't have to change who I am for anyone. And that doesn't make me soft."

"There's nothing wrong with soft."

Mira gives Saxa a disbelieving look. Saxa just smirks. "What?" she says, "I could like soft."

Mira exhales through her nose, shakes her head, and smiles. She stares up at the yellow and orange leaves on the tree, closes her eyes against the cool breeze. It's definitely too cold for the dress Mira has on, and she shivers. 

"You make no fucking sense," Saxa says shrugging out of her jacket and throwing it at Mira. 

Mira takes it only because it's cold. "We should talk," she says. "It's easier than going around and fucking everything that doesn't run away from you first."

"It's not," Saxa says, and she doesn't get angry. "You know it's not."

-

Saxa and Mira don't talk about things because they want to. They talk because as roommates, they're forced to. Now that Saxa's back to sleeping regularly in the dorm, she and Mira spend more time together. Most of the time, it's the two of them arguing over a show on TV, or which of their ways is the best of doing things. 

They usually let the arguments go because they're getting good at just letting things about each other go. They are who they are for whatever reason, and it's easier to accept that about each other than to get angry when one of them does something other other doesn't agree with. Like, the way Saxa will make fun of male characters on TV by calling them "little girls." Mira will roll her eyes to let Saxa know the insult is stupid, but she won't rant for hours. And whenever Mira needs help killing one of the spiders that likes to crawl into _all the fucking spaces_ , Saxa will just get up and do it before any of the guys can. Mira will thank her and Saxa will shake her head, but she won't get mad, more fondly exasperated. 

The point is, they spend a lot of time together, so, of course, Mira's there when Saxa gets the call. It's the first time Mira's seen Saxa go all quiet, her face pale, her grip too tight on her cellphone.

Mira watches from her bed, knowing that this isn't just a family phone call. Saxa isn't laughing or cursing at her brothers, or telling her dad stories about Mira. At the end of the phone call, Saxa just sinks into her bed and stares at her boots, the phone gripped in her fist.

"Mother fucking bitch," Saxa whispers. "Who the fuck does she think she is?"

Mira doesn't say anything as Saxa gets up and starts pacing the room. She's learned not to push, because it just scares Saxa off, makes her close in on herself and carry her shit around instead of letting it go. And they're getting _so much better_ at talking to each other, so Mira sits and waits, because she knows Saxa will tell her eventually.

"I haven't heard from her in almost twenty years, and she's going to call me _now_?"

"Who is?" Mira asks.

Saxa shakes her head, breathes hard through her nose. She's trying hard to calm herself, running her hands over her face to keep back angry tears. Because angry tears, Mira knows, are all Saxa knows how to cry.

"The fucking," Saxa stops mid sentence to tug at her hair. "Did you know my dad raised me and my two brothers on his own? He fucking took me to school everyday, and taught me to fight, and combed my fucking hair for me when I was little. My dad is a fucking _hero_ for raising three kids on his own. _He_ didn't fucking _leave us_ like my mother did. Fucking just got up and left one day because we were too much for her. My dad _loved_ her."

Saxa jumps off her bed and starts pacing, her breath coming out in short gasps. She's on her third small circle in the middle of the dorm room when she stops, looks at the cell phone in her hand, and throws it against the dorm door. It falls to the floor, the screen blinking on with an incoming call.

"She used to wear dresses and be afraid of bees," Saxa whispers, sinking down to the floor below the window. She bends her knees and leans back against the wall, head thrown back to stare up at the ceiling. Mira shifts to lay down on her bed, stomach down, hands hanging over the side to almost touch Saxa.

"Dad said it was women like her who gave other women bad names. He said that I had to be different," Saxa shakes her head. "He used to make fun of pretty girls like you. Him and my brothers. And I didn't think anything of it, because I wasn't like them, you know? I was a fucking maniac, punched a kid in the face once for calling me a girl."

"There's nothing wrong with being a girl," Mira says.

Saxa laughs, cruel and bitter. "Imagine growing up with a man who told you all the things that were wrong with _one_ woman, but made it seem like he was talking about everyone. Fucking picture that, Mira. I tried to be the opposite of what my dad hated about my mom, and I _hate her_ because she _left_ , and I grew up without her. And I fuck up sometimes, and I don't know how to deal with shit, and she was _never there_. And I don't want her here now."

They sit in silence. Mira keeps her eyes away from Saxa until Saxa's done wiping the tears away. She pretends she doesn't see how red Saxa's eyes are, or how her hand won't stop shaking. 

This is the clearest picture Mira has of Saxa, and she files it away for later. She wants to tell Saxa that her mom fucked up, but she must have had her reasons. It's okay, though. It's okay for Saxa to not want to talk to her, because Mira wouldn't either. But it's not okay for Saxa's father to have brought Saxa up the way he did, because _one_ woman doesn't represent them all. 

She says nothing about that, though, just sits up and slides off the bed.

"We should finish watching that episode of Torchwood," Mira says.

Saxa laughs. "I thought you saw it without me."

"No," Mira says, extending a hand to help Saxa up. "I told you I was going to wait for you."

Saxa's hand is cold when she takes Mira's. They don't let go right away because Mira realizes it's the first time she's ever really touched Saxa. Still, Mira is the first to let go because she has to turn on her laptop. When she's done, Saxa just shifts over on the chair and Mira sits down with her.

There's something underneath the smile on Saxa's face, something that makes Mira's heart beat loud in her chest when they glance at each other. Mira stares at Saxa, at the pretty eyes and the mocking smile. 

Maybe they'll kiss one day, by the foot of the fraternity tree, with the people spilling out from the buildings. Maybe someone will catcall and Saxa will flip them off and run her hands deeper into Mira's hair. Maybe they'll fuck one day and sleep in the same bed together, and Saxa will hog all the cover while Mira freezes. And maybe they won't, because Saxa is a product of her upbringing and Mira will get tired of that shit. 

But Mira likes what they are now. Just two girls sharing a chair and watching episodes of Torchwood at Mira's desk.


End file.
